While combating for life, we must face important and difficult decisions with only limited knowledge and time in which to make these decisions. I see my life as a series of choices that must be made without knowing what the correct choice is. I must decide what standards to except and which ones to reject. The responsibility for my own actions, decisions and beliefs cause apprehension and stress. My time is even harder when I get myself into the situation of the coexistence of opposing feelings and believes towards the available choices. "Ambivalence" is feeling that been bothering me in the past few days.

I love being an animator far over being a crew in film production. With that belief, I have been focusing so much on everything about animation. The long list of bookmarks about animation related websites, books of 3D which enough for me to open a 3D books renting shop... I enjoy reading and exploring them. Sometime, I might even forget to eat when I was too concentrating on my 3D work on the computer.

Holding this belief for 2 years, I am now graduated from the major - "Film and Animation". While preparing my resume, I discovered that what I have been doing is so much opposing my previous beliefs. The lists that written on the session of my experience and representative skills are mainly as the production crews (Director, Assistant Director, Script Writer, Video Editor, Cinematographer, Cast Manager). I've been joining activities such as Generasi Digital organised by Vision New Media, Student Short Film organised by MDC and Summer Camp by MDC which are more related to Video Production. My only experiences which are directly related to 3D animations are my university projects and internship in Moon FX Sdn Bhd.

"What do I really want to be for in my life time?" I keep questing myself again and again lately. I know the answer is so important that it will change my life. I like the saying "we are all product of the choices we make". Sometime, I am confused with my "responsibility" and "interested". I enjoy doing everything which is handed to me and I always try my very best to complete it. Conversely, "interest" might not be the force behind the motivation but "responsibility" does. To have a meaningful life once must become fully aware of the true character of situation and bravely accept it. Very complicated philosophy I am having is it?

Yeah, I do have a clear answer for the question now. But what I'm going to do for my first job is no where close to my answer. It is a task that I never thinking of doing before this. I choice to take the risk because I believe it will give me a good opportunity to deal with more people in this field and improve my communicating skill. For those of you who know me better, you will know what kind of girl I am. On the other hand, most people who never work with me will always evaluate me from the outside of me which is really contrasting with my personality.

A theory that most people belief: soft spoken = quiet = scare = lack of confident = lack of ability
Conclusion: Soft spoken people = lack of capability

Of course, I never believe on that principle. A Chinese saying: "Never judge a person from his/her look." But now I begin to question myself "Appearance is more important or capability?" Appearance provides choices while capability makes the choice. Both are as important I suppose.